CONGRATULATIONS TO ME

Today I am celebrating a major victory.

Today I am celebrating a major victory. Neurotypicals might not get it, might think No Big Deal. (Except my Master Loop Breaker Mom who will no doubt appreciate the enormity of it.) Those of you shackled by the chains of ritual, routine, loops, repetitiveness will definitely relate.

I have been consistently withstanding multiple variations in my safe routines and patterns without my body melting down into a dysregulated mess!

It’s not like I’ve never had successes in this pursuit. What’s exceptional and unprecedented is the continual accumulation of successes amidst emotional stresses currently occurring. Usually when things around me are out of whack emotionally I can’t flex or deviate because the sameness is safe. It is so freeing to move fluidly through life. For those of you who take this ability for granted: DON’T. It is a beautiful state of flowing allowed only by letting go and trusting.

The nuts and bolts of how I got to this place I’ll discuss later. Not that there’s a formula, but there’s been lots of trial and even more error over the years. I’ve learned a thing or two. One thing is that I won’t always remain in the success column. But that’s ok. Just hoping and working for more ups than downs.

But today, I’m celebrating this moment in time.

Home Sweet Home (Finally!)

My heart is home now

in this place

of green

of trees

of peace

It wanders no longer

instead rooting itself

deeply

in the glowing atmosphere

that shimmers

with hope and promise

of purpose

of future

of fulfillment

It can be crushed

no longer

by those that

would seek

such an end

The world will feel

it’s embrace

no question

no delays

no doubts

It beats

It beats

Unstoppable

My heart is home now

I’ve just moved with my family into our new home. It’s the culmination of many machinations on many fronts. If you don’t know, my move from my childhood home at age 13 (before I spelled to communicate) was beyond devastating and set off a chain of events of epic horrible proportions.

It has taken me years since then to come to the end of myself and finally to terms with the parameters of my existence. It has been a long dark road that I’ve traveled never turning back, but facing head on what was required for me to become who I now am. I was never alone on the journey with the unfailing love and support of my parents and my God.

It is fitting to have a new home for my fresh start. We have moved multiple times in trying to land here, but this time all with my input and agreement. The difference of being consulted and respected regarding my needs and preferences is HUGE. People, even well meaning ones like my Mom and Dad who have my best interests at heart, can’t know my opinions unless I’m able to express them. (This by the way is such a microcosm of the bigger picture of those who advocate for us, without us…)

So here we are, Home Sweet Home. Still unsettled? Yes. Still chaotic? Yes. Still lots of boxes and minus a bathroom sink? Yes. But still Home Sweet Home nonetheless. Note to self: avoid renovating and moving during a world wide pandemic. It is the definition of ‘non essential’.

Anyway, I look forward to the future and where God might take us, all the while anchored on my front porch amidst the green trees, chirping birds, and PEACE.

Let’s Talk Flexibility and Loops

Routines and structure are beneficial to everybody to one degree or another. Who doesn’t like some stable predictability in life? It keeps us calm when expectations are met and we can navigate our day without a steady stream of unforeseen surprises.

For many of us on the autism spectrum, or at least me, the ‘to one degree or another’ is key. To me, a seemingly minuscule switch (in the mind of a neurotypical) can literally rock my world. It just does. Sometimes I can handle it better than others. We are all more susceptible to our own personal kryptonite

depending on what else is going on.

Of course it follows that keeping structure in place helps me move through the day more easily. Obvious and simple solution, right? Right. Until it’s not. Let me explain. For me a routine that’s adhered to regularly becomes a LOOP. A loop is when my body becomes so accustomed to doing something in a certain way that it is unable to NOT do it that way. It causes distress and anxiety not to adhere. The problem is that life is fluid and deviation is necessary. What happens when my loop is interrupted? My emotions react and my body follows. Often it’s not pretty. I can’t control it though. This frequently gets called being obsessive or compulsive. There are, I think, some similarities, but it’s a different animal.

Why do I bring this up now? Because COVID-19 is upending everything. Routines big and small are shattered. My inflexibility is showing. This is to say there are those of us out here that are extremely sensitive to structure crumbling. Be aware.

I could talk loops and breaking them for days and probably will at some point. Not today. Today I’m getting some real time practice in, courtesy of my Mom: Master Loop Breaker. Seriously.